Shark Random Funnyness for the header, Kristen ITC for the yukkuri-speak, Evil Genius for the regular text, and Telegram HPLHS for the final line.
Kristen is installed with Windows (I think), and the other two are free from dafont.com. Telegram is from the Cthulhu Lives website, the fonts section, and is also free.
I feel like the container should actually be spherical, I don't want those corners jabbing me while it's in my pocket. I wonder what size it should be though...