One Yukkuri Place

Looking for reviewers for Yukkuri 4koma script

Posted under General

I'm thinking about working on a family friendly Yukkuri 4koma comic series for release in artists alley at an anime convention next March. Does anyone have the time to review the script? I probably won't do a general release until after the con.

Updated by HankySpank

Page 1
Panel 1: A friend's Reimu became pregnant. He doesn't want to terminate the koyukkuri but his apartment is too small to hold a growing family.

Panel 2: Therefore he's asked me to adopt the koyukkuri once they are old enough to live without their mother.

Panel 3: I've never taken care of Yukkuri before so I am anxiious about it.

Panel 4: I wonder what they will be like...

[Splash page with koyukkuri]

Page 2
Panel 1: This is Reimu, the mother.

Panel 2: The koyukkuri are growing out of the stalk on her forehead.

Panel 3: [Reimu] "Until the little ones are born, Reimu will be in Mister's care. Please by easy with Reimu, Mister."

Panel 4: What an excellent Reimu mother!

Page 3
Panel 1: This is Marissa, the father.

Panel 2: While Reimu and the koyukkuri stay with me, Marissa will keep my friend company.

Panel 3: Reimu and Marissa will wiss each other while they are separated.
[Marissa] Reimu...
[Reimu] Be easy with Mister while Reimu is gone, Ok?

Panel 4: [Marissa] REIMUUU!
...hey Marissa, get it together...

Page 4
Panel 1: Day 1 - We finished our farewells and my friend and Melissa went back to X City.

Panel 2: I spent the rest of the afternoon preparing the apartment for Reimu and the koyukkuri.

Panel 3: Reimu is very well mannered and polite...
[Reimu] "Pardon Reimu's intrusion."

Panel 4: Except where the koyukkuri are concerned.
[Reimu] "This is Reimu's easy place, little ones will be born very easy here!"
Hey Reimu, that my bed....

Page 5
Panel 1: I managed to settle Reimu in a nest in the closet.

Panel 2: I laid out some pillows and lined it with blankets.

Panel 3: Reimu supervised the construction of the nest but I think she was still irritated about losing the bed.

Panel 4: [Reimu] Hmmph, Mister isn't quite as easy a mark as Reimu thought.
"Easy?"...wait, was Reimu just testing me?

Page 6
Panel 1: Day 5 - Reimu and I are comfortable with each other now.

Panel 2: We eat together, play, and she sits with me on the couch.

Panel 3: [Reimu] "Mister is very easy!"

Panel 4: [Reimu] "Mister better be as easy with Reimu's little ones!"
Such a fiercely protective mother!

Page 7
Panel 1: The koyukkuri are beginning to develop.

Panel 2: Their hair and accessories are taking shape.

Panel 3: Reimu sings songs to them to help them grow and they are beginning to sing back.

Panel 4: This could get noisy.
Let's shut the door.

Page 8
Panel 1: Day 12 - Birthing day is finally here!

Panel 2: My friend and Marissa took the train from X City to be here today.

Panel 3: They are overjoyed to be here but there were a few false alarms.

Panel 4: (Earlier)[Reimu] Reimu is sorry, not yet...
[Friend]: Reimu, train tickets are expensive...

Page 9-12
(Several pages of the birthing)

End of Chapter

Is that a Marisa with the proper name of Marissa? If not, it should be Marisa. If it IS a Marisa with the proper name of Marissa, you should probably explain it in the story so people don't think it's a misspelling.

Page 1 Panel 3 'anxious' instead of 'anxiious'

Page 2 Panel 3 'be' instead of 'by'

Page 3 Panel 3 'miss' instead of 'wiss'

Page 4 Panel 1 who is 'Melissa'? :p

Page 4 Panel 4 'that's' instead of 'that'

That's all I found.

It's a misspelling, I transcribed this over from the notebook I'm writing and doing mini sketches in. I actually wasn't aware that its spelled "Marisa."

Page 1
Panel 1: This koyukkuri is Reimu. She is a Reimu type like her mother.

Panel 2: Like all Reimu types she has braids and red and white ribbon accessory.

Panel 3: Reimu was the first to be born so she is the oldest koyukkuri.

Panel 4: Work hard to be a fine older sister!

Page 2
Panel 1: This koyukkuri is Marisa. She is a Marisa type like her father.

Panel 2: She has blonde hair with one braid and a black hat accessory.

Panel 3: She was the second to be born and quickly became attached to her big sis.

Panel 4: Be easy together you two!

Page 3
Panel 1: This koyukkuri is also a Reimu type.

Panel 2: She was the third one to be born.

Panel 3: (No dialogue, Reimu is being ignored by koyukkuri Reimu who is doing rub-rub with Marisa.)

Panel 4: She is a little bit of a crybaby.
Reimu! Don't ignore your other little sisters!

Page 4
Panel 1: Reimu you can't ignore your other little sister.
[Reimu] But Reimu is doing rub-rub easy with Marisa.

Panel 2: I know, but don't you want to rub-rub with Reimu too?

Panel 3: Then you will have TWO little sisters who think they have a braggable older sister.

Panel 4: [Reimu] Reimu will rub-rub with little sister Reimu!
[Reimu] Big sis Reimu!
Such strong pride.

Page 5
Panel 1: The koyukkuri are getting along well but I'm concerned about the last one.

Panel 2: She didn't drop like the others and seems undersized.

Panel 3: Marisa and Reimu are worried but still seem hopeful.

Panel 4: [Marisa] Little one...
[Reimu] Be born soon, easy...

Page 6
Panel 1: My friend can't afford to take anymore time off work or anymore train tickets.

Panel 2: Therefore, he is going to leave Marisa with me too until the last little one is born.

Panel 3: You can tell how much he cares about his yukkuri.

Panel 4: [Friend] Reimu! Marisa!
[Narrator] *sweatdrop* Take it easy...

Page 7
Panel 1: The koyukkuri and Reimu are happy they get to spend time with Marisa. They get to bounce-bounce...

Panel 2: ...high-high...

Panel 3: ...and rub-rub...

Panel 4: Hey stop that!
Four koyukkuri are enough!

Page 8
Panel 1: I gave Reimu and Marisa a stern lecture.
[Narrator] What will happen to this other little one if you refresh now? He might not be born easy!
They promised to be good for the unborn little one's sake.

Panel 2: Just in case, I make Marissa hunt-hunt for food everyday.

Panel 3: After playing with the koyukkuri and hunt-hunt all day, Marisa is too tired to refresh.

Panel 4: Do your best Marisa.
[Reimu] Rub-rub with Reimu?
[Marisa] Not tonight, Marisa wants to be easy...

Page 9
Panel 1: Marisa and Reimu are training me in koyukkuri care.

Panel 2: Yukkuri usually eat yukkuri food which are little pellets.
[Reimu] Little ones, munch-munch easy okay?

Panel 3: It's also good to give them other fresh food for variety and occasionally a treat.
[Koyukkuri Reimu] Mister gives sweet-sweet?

Panel 4: [Koyukkuri] Happiness! cute.

Page 10
Panel 1: After eating koyukkuri often pee-pee and poo-poo.

Panel 2: Koyukkuri can't take care of themselves so the parents and I clean them.

Panel 3: I use cotton swabs and cloths with a little water to clean them up.

Panel 4: [Marisa] Mister do lick-lick with little ones, ze?
No, this is fine!
Wait, is Marisa teasing me too?

Page 11
Panel 1: The koyukkuri love to play. They like to hide themselves.
[Koyukkuri] Hiding, hiding... Mister can't see cute little Reimu.

Panel 2: They also like to be carried or "high-high" as they call it.
[Koyukkuri Reimu] Big sis Marisa is like Mister Bird!
How do they know what a bird is anyway?

Panel 3: They also like to press themselves against my fingers.
[Koyukkuri Reimu] Rub-rub with Mister~!

Panel 4: Watch out for happy pee-peel...
[Narrator] A-ah! I just cleaned you!

Page 12
Panel 1: The yukkuri are all sleepy.

Panel 2: I tucked them all away in their nest for the night.

Panel 3: Good night yukkuri...

Panel 4: (Close up of the stem of the last koyukkuri beginning to separate.)

End of Chapter