Great job alphamone. Might I recommend a new font like Wild Words for these edits and a bit of centering? Wild Words can be found on /rs/ or something like that. Otherwise, AWESOME
Also, I think you need an editor; that's not to insult your English skills but we need to get the best possible translation, agree? An editor just proofreads what you've translated for errors and suggests better figure of speech.
Caps show mistakes:
"As I held heR up in my arms, crying, she gave aN anguished responSe."
And one more thing: use different fonts for human and yukkuri speech. All of the things I've told here aren't super important, but they add a certain polish to the picture.